Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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