I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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