my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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