I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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