20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
