My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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