I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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