Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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