Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
