Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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