I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
