I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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