i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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