At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
