she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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