Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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