Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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