i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
