every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
