i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
