I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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