just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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