on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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