I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
