so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The feeling are messing with the penis
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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