My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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