just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
