he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
