I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
