At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
