i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
