Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
