And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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