Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
God, I missed his penis.
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