Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
