well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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