So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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