it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
where are my pants?
in the oven.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
