Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
