We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
