Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
