what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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