saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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