my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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