by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
