The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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