When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
