i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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