You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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