I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
